2 days.

As I get ready to go out and do some errands for myself and some that are needed, I can't help but think I just want these next 2 days to go by faster than I've ever known 48 hours to pass. I've never wanted to be somewhere so much then I have right now. I'm not expecting much from people or the things we'll do, it's more so being in a place of belonging. Home. Knowing that there are worn in friendships ready for me to slip right back into, roads that I could drive down with my eyes closed, and the winter chill awaiting the hair in my nose to freeze.

I know I've said it before but I'll say it again, Nashville is great. Weather is great, the people are kind (some of them), and I work with really, really great, creative, and challenging people. But... there's just something missing. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't found a church home yet. Or haven't found a group of friends to call my own. Or the fact that my relationship with Gabe is at the mercy of technology. I don't know.

I do know that while I'm driving home from work and pass the Nashville skyline, I secretly pretend that it's Minneapolis. Almost as if "Nashville" is just the mask Minneapolis is wearing for a little while. I also know that moving to a city might not change things. Maybe it's this change that's happening on the inside of me, regardless of what coordinates I might be in.

Nevertheless, I know I'm anxiously awaiting the plane ride in and I can see both St. Paul and Minneapolis knowing that Gabe will be waiting and friends are soon to be seen. It'll be a great homecoming, I just hope that there aren't unspoken hopes that somehow will make me more confused after the trip is over.

It's gonna be alright.

For whatever reason I've been looking for some life changing thing to write about. But really, if nothing life changing has happened, couldn't that be my fault? Is it because all I've been doing is... waiting? Quite precisely. Which is why this is the year of "doing" something. For me at least.

Anyway... this blog/woman has touched my life immensely since I was referred to it the other day (that is another blog post entirely, for another time after I stop marveling over her newest addition, Nella). I'm inspired to love more than I have but I'm also inspired to live more. I used to carry my camera around with me every where I went. Why did that stop? These pictures are not for anyone else but for me and I feel as though I see the world quite a bit differently when I'm taking pictures of people.

So, I will do that.

To recap the last few months...

Thanksgiving and Christmas was weird. Well...yes, it was. No other way to put it. My parents and I are here in Nashville without anyone else "family" and it was the first time any of us had been away from them for any holiday. There were lots of laughs and tears but most of all, tears. Not necessarily bad tears but "adjustment" tears, I guess you could say.

There were many skype calls made to and from Nashville from Delaware, New Jersey, Minnesota. This is essentially what our Holidays looked like this year.

Sometimes it still doesn't feel like "home" even though I live in this house.

One of the best Christmas presents I got this year, besides the AWESOME desk from Ikea my parents bought me, is being able to spend a few days with this special guy. I suppose he doesn't look too happy in this picture but it's probably because I'm always sticking a camera lens in his face. All he wanted to do was open his really awesome non-descript Christmas present from me, I know. It had been too long since we last saw each other until this very day and believe me, this was the only picture I took for hours. Lots of catching up ensued.

I'm on my way to Minneapolis on Wednesday and I could not be more excited plus ready to be in the midst of the people that "get" me. My beautifully worn in friendships. Haven't seen most of these people since May and oh, it will be a reunion. I'll have my camera and I'm taking snapshots of the ones I love. If you're reading this, put your game face on now.

Minneapolis, it's been too long and I'm coming for ya', baby.

All that you know....

Instead of looking at being in Nashville as this terrible thing, I've decided I need a better outlook. Instead of being stuck at my desk on Facebook or Twitter or MSNBC for longer than 20 minutes a day, I'm going to do more productive things with my time. Instead of wishing that I was the one they were hoping to see, I'm going to give them a reason to want to meet me. Instead of thinking about the amount she wrote her tithe check out for, I'm going to do it. Instead of wishing and regretting that I said no, I'm going to say YES every time from now on. Instead of hoping for a better talent or different life, I'm going to be thankful for who I am. Instead of wondering what I'm going to do with this little life I've been given, I'm going to number my days and do something each day to figure it out.

Instead of being mediocre and living a boring life, I'm going to be successful so that one day I can take care of my family. Take care of my friends who need it. Speak truth and life. Give money, care, and love to children who are neglected.

Live a life worth something more than just making money for me to live comfortably. Not be a rockstar or an amazing author, but be remembered for truly living life and loving people in the midst of it.

What would you be remembered for?

Death and all of his (her) friends.

Sometimes I think I try with all my might to portray to others that I'm a "woman". I suppose you could look at me and say, "Yeah....she's a woman. Despite being 5 feet tall, she's a woman." But, I have to disagree with you. I think I'm playing you all for a fool, to be quite honest. I don't think I'll "be" a woman until certain things happen in my life. But even when those moments come, I don't even think I'll accept them as a sign of womanhood.

Nothing too deep or thought provoking here, maybe, I just looked at my profile picture on facebook and realized how I try hard to be "older, mature, head-on-my-shoulders, got-it-all-together" girl. But really, I'm just a mess. Granted, I'm not falling all over the place or strung out on crack (thankfully) but I am still searching for my place. Trying to figure out where I fit in, where I am most valued, and where my gifts and talents can be used in the right way.

I guess, I'm just going to quote a pop-singer here and say, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" Or something like that. Hmph. Such is life.

I think my soy caramel macchiato has now worn off. Time for some Zzz's, goodnight!

[ LOVE ]

We all want to be loved.

Isn't that the truth? Genuinely, intimately, regardlessly, unconditionally, fight for our lives type of love. Some people want it from their parents. Some people want it from a significant other. Some just want a friend to call their own. I was reminded on Sunday at church how easily it is to forget to love each other. Not judgmental love, but the kind of love that is irrevocable and that heals. Instead of all the bashing and criticizing we humans have become so great at, why can't we choose love? Loving the ones who have no parents or who need a healing, loving the ones who need us.

What if we stop and think about all the different types of people in the world.... No really. Stop.

Do we ever 'stop' to think that most everyone's actions and reactions are a matter of if their 'love tank' is full or not?

Something I realized the other day in thinking about love, is that I have not cried over the children of El Salvador in a long time. I mean, really, really cried. Not that it's about the whole act of "crying" but when I cry, I feel something is loosened inside of me. When I let myself cry, I really begin to connect with the deepest parts of my heart and the way God created me. Then, after a while of crying I come to realize how much more in tune I am with the pain of the world and how much love is nonexistent. I have a special place in my heart for the people and children of El Salvador. Mostly because I've been there a few times and have seen the way they live and how unfortunate most of them are. But in a broader perspective I am reminded that almost half of the world lives that way. See what crying does to me? So, once I'm reminded of all these issues in the world and my heart is set in the right place, I then ask, "What can I do? What can I DO? What can I do....?"

What can we do? Well, we can start by loving the people around us. Do you know what's going on in your friend's/peer's lives? Have you asked them? Genuinely, thoughtfully asked them? I don't even have to ask your friends to know because I have my own peers who are struggling with daunting life struggles like breast cancer, death, infidelity, disease, broken hearts, dreams shot down, fear, and the list goes on.

But, what are we doing to help those around us? We all can't pick up our families or drop student loans and go over to another country and do missions work to help those in poverty stricken countries. Thus, what are we doing for those at our workplace, church, neighborhood, who are scared to go home each night, who have lost a dream, who are struggling with a broken heart, who have a incurable disease, who lost a loved one to cancer? How are we loving them? Are we crying for them?

Jesus didn't talk to people about his works, He loved them and showed them He cared by what He DID for them.

John 8:1 -

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Annie's Assertation #2: It's definitely a struggle for me to love....everyone. Because I don't and I'll be the first to admit that. But that's why I can't rely on my own strength or capability to love. It's especially hard when there's a mean customer service clerk or a pain-in-the-butt driver that just cut me off, but that's what we are called to do. For centuries people have been saying this but have I really gotten it? I don't think so. I love post-it notes so I'm going to start putting them all over my room to keep myself in check. One small step in my quest to love, what will yours be?

New day, new air.

So, I've decided maybe I'll attempt writing here a little more than every so often. Good idea, hey? Also, quite possibly doing teeny-baby postings in the form of confessions. Sort of like "things we're all thinking but nobody wants to say".

I don't have much in the theological, spiritual, emotional tank as of now but I'll start on my confession numero uno, and I shall call it, Annie's Assertations. Thus...

Annie's Assertation #1: When someone has become irritated with you, at work, school, church, etc (mostly at work), and you see them talking about YOU behind your back (but not really because they are "technically" in front of you), and they STILL have the audacity to say that they are irritated with you once YOU confront them about the situation... don't you still have to use every fiber of your being to not turn around and talk about them behind THEIR back? Whew, it takes everything in me to not do it. As well as complain about the serving job that I have right now, even though I'm much more privileged than most in our world who don't even have the luxury of having a job.

Now that that is complete, I think I shall turn the lights off and go to sleep.

Farewell, and if you're looking for a good bedside read, look up Psalm 139:14. Night!

It's all in your head.

Nothing could be further from the truth. "It's all in your head" isn't just the title of a book I read last semester for a class or a phrase your friends say to you when you're over-analyzing a boy, or even the creaking of the hardwood floors in your house when you're all alone that you think is someone sneaking in to get you. It really is where everything in your life begins. "Of course", you're probably saying, but stay with me...

I recently read, and became very convicted (or conflicted), the other day Proverbs 29:11 that says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Ouch. Maybe you're like me and read that verse a few times over again to make sure you read it correctly and didn't take it out of context, or think you read something that wasn't actually there. But, believe me... it's there.

It's not a nice feeling when reading that small but VERY significant verse. I don't know HOW many times I have "vented" (and I love the fact that my bible translation says "vent") about something whether it be an extremely serious issue or something as small as the mail not getting to the house on time. Little did I know how badly I would need reminding of that verse the next day at work. Regardless of the situation that I find myself in or the situation I put myself in, my attitude and how I will respond depends on what is going on in my head. It truly does all start out with your thoughts and believe me, we CAN control them, whether you like to think so or not.

There's another verse I think goes nicely with this and that is 1 Corinthians 10: 12-14. "So, if you THINK you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

To me, this just sounds like another reminder that God understands us more than we do ourselves. He knew that we would be tempted to complain about our current (crappy, mind you :)) job situation, or to complain about our spouses/parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend, instead of going directly to them, or even the fact that we didn't like the music in church this morning and what the Pastor spoke on so now we're looking for another church to make us feel good instead of getting up off the pew and sowing your own seed into the kingdom. But wait... Oops. See how easy it is?

It's definitely a struggle for me. I'm going to need to post this verse everywhere I can so that I can start to kick this bad habit in the butt. Because most of the time, the issues that I want to complain/vent about are things that aren't really in my control and the ones that I can control, instead of complaining/venting, I should just change them myself!

Wouldn't it be interesting to see a whole community of Christians who don't complain or vent about certain situations and just trust God and His hand on our lives? Well, at least I think it'd be quite revolutionary...